He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
