I smell stomach acid.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
