My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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