woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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