Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
