The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
