Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
