i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
