Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize