my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
