Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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