The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
