I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
