I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
