Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I need to calm my uterus...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
