Farmville is her only friend.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
