this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
