i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
