Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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