Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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