I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
