i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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