my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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