i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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