I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
