I am in a vortex of obligation.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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