This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
