New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
