you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize