just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
