Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
