im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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