i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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