i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
