i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
