don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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