my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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