Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
