apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
