foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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