at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
