i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
