If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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