just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
