do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
