he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
