I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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