8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Randomize
