Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
