I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
