rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
