I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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