I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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