My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
This is the high leading the old right now
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
