Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
