Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
4 words: hood of his car
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
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