Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
