He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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