things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
