it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
