And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize