i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize