I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
