you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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